Month: Mar 2008

* Irish Toast

by On the River, posted in Irish

Dónal Murphy hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Sheelah, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” Dónal said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, Dónal!” Sheelah said.
The next day, Sheelah ran into one of Dónal’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Dónal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, SHEELAH.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Thanks to PH and…

* When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

by On the River, posted in DRIVING, DUMB

A car gets a flat on the highway one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car, and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them, and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed-up. It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The constable, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What’s going on here?”
“My car broke down, officer” says the woman calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks.
“Helllooooooo!!!!” says the blonde. “Those are my emergency flashers!”

 

 

Thanks to PH and…

* St Patrick’s Day Revelries

by On the River, posted in Irish

Cecil had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.
Reamonn, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Cecil.”
Cecil replies, “OK Reamonn, I’ll be on my way then.”
Cecil spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!” He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. “Bi’Jesus…I’m fockin’ focked,” he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, crawls to the door, hauls himself up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Báirbre, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Cecil. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”
Cecil says, “I did Báirbre. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”
“Reamonn phoned…You left your wheelchair at the pub!”

 

Thanks to PH and…

The Woman

by On the River, posted in the other side, WOMYN
from a PowerPoint Show

 

When God created woman sHe was working late on the 6th day.
An angel came by and said, “Why spend so much time on that one?”
And God answered, “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?” “She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands”.
The angel was impressed. “Just two hands…impossible!“ And this is the standard model?! Too much work for one day…wait until tomorrow and then complete her.”
“I will not,” said God “I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart”. She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day”.
The angel came nearer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord”
“She is soft,” said God, “But I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.“
“Can she think?” the angel asked.
God answered, “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate.”
The angel touched the woman’s cheek…“God, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.”
“She is not leaking…it’s a tear.” God corrected the angel
“What is it for?” asked the angel.
And God said, “Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”
This made a big impression on the angel; “God, you are a genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvellous!”
Indeed she is! Woman has strengths that amaze man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when feeling like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she is happy, and laughs when she is afraid.
She fights for what she believes in and stands up against injustice. She doesn’t take “no” for an answer, when she can see a better solution. She gives herself, so her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid. Her love is unconditional.
She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well. She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.
Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies. But she finds the strength to get on with life. She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.

 

There is only one thing wrong with her:
she forgets what she is worth…

 

Thanks to MZ and…
MOVED HERE

The Seamstress’s Thimble

by On the River, posted in WOMYN

One day, while she was sitting at the riverbank and sewing away, a seamstress’s thimble slipped from her finger and disappeared in the depths of the water. She started to cry bitterly. God heard her cries and asked the seamstress, “Dear child, why are you crying?” She told God that she lost her only thimble, which she needed desperately in order to earn some money and help her husband in supporting the family. God dipped his hand in the river and produced a beautiful golden thimble bejewelled with the ring of sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” He asked. The seamstress answered,” No!”
God again dipped his hand in the water and retrieved even more beautiful golden thimble adorned with rubies.
“Is this your thimble?” he asked.
The seamstress replied, “No!”
Once more God put his hand in the water and pulled out a worn out leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?”
The seamstress said, “Yes!”
God was pleased with her answers and he gave the seamstress all three thimbles. She went home very happy.
Several years later, the same seamstress was taking a walk with her husband along the same riverbank. Suddenly, her husband tripped over the rock, lost balance, fell down into the river, and disappeared under the water. The seamstress started to cry and scream for help. God heard her shrieks and asked the seamstress, “Why are you screaming?”
“O Lord, my husband fell over into the water!”
God plunged into the river and pulled out of the water George Clooney. “Is this your husband?” He asked.
“Yes,” said the seamstress.
God was outraged, “That is not true. You are a liar!”
The seamstress replayed, “Forgive me my Lord for the lie; but you left me no choice.
If I said “no” when you showed me George Clooney, you would retrieve Brad Pitt.
Than I would say “no” again and you would take my husband out of the water. After I said, “Yes,” you would be pleased with my answers and allow me to keep all three men. And although I am a hard-working woman, I am not in good enough health to take care of three husbands. That is why I said “yes” to George Clooney.
God once again was very pleased with the woman’s honesty and let her to keep George Clooney.

The moral of the story:
When a WOMAN lies, it is always for the honourable cause and the best interest of others.

Thanks to J&B and…
MOVED HERE