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AKA:The Pastor’s Ass; Your Ass; sent as e-mail 2014-05-19

Father Daniels entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local newspaper read, “PRIEST’S ASS OUT FRONT.”
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered Father Daniels not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read,
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS.”
This was too much for the bishop so he ordered Father Daniels to get rid of the donkey.
Father Daniels decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day,
“NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.”
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read, “NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.”
This was too much for the bishop. He ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read,
“NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.”
The bishop was buried the next day…

The moral of the story is…
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…and even shorten your life.
So – be yourself and enjoy life…
Only worry about your own ASS; not someone else’s…
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer.

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HEALTH 2009-09-18

Three Toronto leaders of Catholics, Muslims, and Jews have one common belief – they support organ and tissue donation. The trio spoke out on behalf of the Trillium Gift of Life Network yesterday to clarify to believers that organ and tissue donation is OK.

“We decided to get involved because of the misconception in the Jewish community that they can’t donate. Organ donation is a mitzvah — a good deed and religious obligation to sign up to become an organ donor,” said Rabbi Michal Shekel.

For muslims who are celebrating Ramadan, signing up to become an organ donor would be “a great act of charity,” Imam Habeeb Alli said.

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Thanks to MZ and…

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 moved HERE

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There were two nuns.
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate, he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate, he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
The man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!

Thanks to PH and…

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AKA Bath in Holy Water;
this text sent as e-mail Mon 2014-05-19 1:16 AM

 

It was time for Father Dan’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Sheila had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Sheila was also instructed not to look at Father Dan’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Sheila how the Saturday night bath had gone.
‘Oh, sister,’ said the young nun dreamily. ‘I’ve been saved.’
‘Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?’ asked the old nun.
‘Well, when Father Dan was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.’
‘Did he now?’ said the old nun evenly.
Sister Sheila continued, ‘And Father Dan said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father Dan guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.’
‘Is that a fact?’ said the old nun even more evenly.
‘At first it hurt terribly, but Father Dan said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.’
‘That wicked old Devil!’ said the old nun. ‘He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!’

Thanks to J&B, RM and…

 

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AKA Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark catacombs
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, Father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…
CELEBRATE!!!”

Thanks to J&B and…

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