~The Parrot – Uh-Oh…[2005-05-31]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Vince came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Vince.”

Thanks to LST and PH

prostitution

AIN’T NO HALLMARK [2002-5-6]
So, your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.

 

GREAT QUESTIONS OF THE UNIVERSE [2005]
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

* (Irish) Bingo

FROM: Stress Busters 2006-02-13

 

The best-known tramp in Ajax leaves home to find work in the bright lights of Toronto. She comes home 6 years later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length rabbitfur coat
“Begorrah, Laurel,” says her Irish-born mother. “Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?”
Laurel replies, “Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes of Toronto.”
When the weekend’s over, Laurel returns to Toronto, but she’s back to visit her mom a few years later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a good-looking knock-off wristwatch and a large cubic-zirconia ring. Same exchange with Mom…same “Won it at bingo!” Then Laurel returns to the bright lights.
A few years later, she’s back again, and this time she’s sporting a beautiful malachite necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother $1,000.00 and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks her Mom to run her a bath, as she needs to freshen up.
Her Mom draws the bath while Laurel gets undressed in her bedroom, but when Laurel gets to the bathroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Laurel, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 bucks, calls downstairs, “Mom! Sure now didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!”
“Indade there is, me darlin” replies her Mom. “But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo card wet now, do we?”
You can never fool Mom.

 

Cartoon thanks to J&B and…
Joke thanks to PH

* What’s in a Sign [Prostitution 2005-06-10]

Two prostitutes were driving around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”
One of the women asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop THEM?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following night found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two women driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

Thanks to J&B

Prostitute’s Tax Return [Prostitution 2005-06-10]

AKA Chicken Farmer

Laurel walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social insurance number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
Laurel says, “OK, I’m a hooker.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then Laurel says, Okay! I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Good enough! Chicken Farmer it is!”

Thanks to J&B and PH

* Grandma Loves Oranges [2002; 2004]

Laurel was an alcoholic whore, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of hookers at a sex party in a hotel, and Laurel was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Laurel’s grandma came around the corner.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?” Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Laurel told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“That’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself”, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? ”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.” The policeman fainted.

Thanks to PH and…