Thanks to LST
Archive for the ‘NEWFIE’ Category
A Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him a ‘Newfie Viagra’…
‘What is Newfie Viagra?’, she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?
‘Freakin’ jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s again!
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice…”Just for a moment, think outside yourself…outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment…”Well, Lard t’underin’ jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin’ clappin’ then!”
The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.
It read…Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer .
‘Lard T’underin’ Jaises!’ he says to himself,
“Me t’ree favourite t’ings.!
This story happened a while ago in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true. Joe Colterman, a Memorial University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Joe, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!
The car started moving slowly. Joe looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Joe, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter Joe saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and…wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like Joe, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing Joe Colterman sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…
“Look Bobby…there’s that f*ck*ng idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”
The Newfie saw a sign in a restaurant window.
It read: “Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer.”
“Laird ‘Tunderin’ Jaises!”!” he says to himself,
“Me tree favourite tings”.
Three women – one German, one Japanese and a Newfie were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The Newfie woman felt decidedly low-tech. Not to be outdone; she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The Newfie woman finally said, “Lord thunderin’, will you look at that. I’m getting a fax.”
Thanks to J&B