Archive for the ‘father’ Category
FROM: Father’s Day 2003-06-15;
this link sent 2010-02-07; sent gif as e-mail 2014-06-07
Thanks to JAB and MZ
AKA Making a Baby; this content sent by e-mail 2014-06-07
The Browns were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Brown kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now, the man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Brown cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat” After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Vince and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Brown.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Brown quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my G o d!” Mrs. Brown exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Brown.
“Yes, I’m afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Brown, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Brown leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work ri ght away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs. Brown fainted.
sent as e-mail 2014-06-07
A man goes to the GROCERY STORE and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, “Hello.”
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party? The one I had sex with on the pool table? With all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Sent as e-mail Tue 2014-06-10
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son. ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.’
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.’
The young man paused a moment then said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’
To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’
This content sent as e-mail 2014-06-13
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”
Sent as e-mail Tue 2014-06-10