Archive for the ‘one-liners’ Category


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Quips thanks to JFW, MZ, J&B, and PH;
emoticons thanks to JAB and DMS

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FROM: 2003-12-05 and 2004-05-27

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell,
is he homeless or naked?

Turtles can breathe through their bums.

(Do you suppose they might have bad breath?)
And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
(I know some people like that, don’t YOU?)

 NEW http://learningproject.cst.org/ideas/248


Thanks to JFW, MZ, WL, JAB, J&B, PH and MJS

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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. 

Animation thanx to J&B;
Quips thanx to MjD, DMS, JFW, JAB and J&B 

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There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.


Text thanks to JFW and MZ;
illustration thanks to PH and DEG


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originally sent with sound; this link sent 2014-02-20;
(animation also seen in…Good Morning Blessings)

Life is not about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.

Thanks to…PH, SS, RM and JC

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I believe in dragons, good men and
OTHER mythological creatures.

Joke thanks to DMS; illustration thanks to MjS

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from: 2006-01-24…


 Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.



Thanks to MjS, SB, PH, SS and RM

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Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer goes, ‘Whack, Dang!’
A Bad Skydiver goes ‘Dang! Whack.’


Thanks to J&B, PH and…

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A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Peter said, as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

Thanks to PH and…

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A blonde said, “I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Thanks to HW, J&B, SS and…

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