Archive for the ‘heaven’ Category

AKA Spelling to Get into Heaven…

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won Lotto 6-4-9. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry…
there’ll be Hell to pay later!

Thanks to MZ, J&B and…

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Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders this for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
St. Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St. Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
St. Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
St. Peter claps, “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
Then St. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
St. Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”

Thanks to J&B and…

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FROM Religion 2002; Italian Stress Busters 2004

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates.He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren,” and POOF she’s gone.
The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna,” and POOF – she’s gone.
The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed.”Who?” he asks.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter, pointing out a prominent headline.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.He hands it back to her and says, “No sister, this says,
‘Sa-HA-ra PIPE-LINE laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’

(If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!)

Thanks to JAB, J&B, PH and ??

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AKA (Warning) Don’t Step On the Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So, they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, soon the first woman steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on…tall, slim and muscular, with long eyelashes. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The man says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Thanks to J&B and PH

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* Nasty

AKA A Little Old Lady; Heaven?-OR-Hell?
FROM ageing 2002; St. Peter 2005

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She is chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “It’s only someone having the holes bored into their shoulder blades for the wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
“Oh my goodness,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, ” It’s only someone having their head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off down to Hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Maybe so” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.”

Thanks to J&B and ???

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