Instant Stress Relief

TO EDIT

A ?/grocery-store* impulse buy?

 

 
We [CDNS.’s] don’t REALLY say ‘supermarket‘ [USA]

 

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6 Truths of Life

sent as e-mail 2014-01-03

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I’m an idiot and I needed company…

 

Thanks to hDM

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Voodoo Stick

FROM: Stress Busters 2004-11-04
AKA Voodoo Penis; especially for RWM 

 

An executive was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter, and explained his situation.
The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know that I have anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…”
and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need SOMEthing!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there IS The Voodoo Dick.”
The husband said, “The whaaaat?”
The man repeated, “The Voodoo Dick.” The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there laid a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this store!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dick, the door.”
The Voodoo Dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack developed down the middle.
Then the old man said “Voodoo Dick, return to box!”
The Voodoo Dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the executive.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The man took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Dick, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered The Voodoo Dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!”
The Voodoo Dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind shattering orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but NOTHING worked; her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off.
Finally, she decided to go to Emerg to see if THEY could help. She put on her clothes, got in the car, and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had ANYthing to drink, Constable. I’ve got this I’ve got this Voodoo Dick thing stuck in my crotch, and it won’t stop screwing me…”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, “Yeah right…Voodoo Dick, my ass!”

 

The rest, as they say, is history.

 

Thanks to SS and PH

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Superman’s Sex Life [sex 2004-11-07 ]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
“Hey Batman! Who’s good in the sack?” “Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comic Land. Why don’t you try her?” replied Batman. “I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.” “Damn shame,” said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. “Hey Hal, I’m looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who’s the best babe in Comic Land?” “Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comic Land, why don’t you try her?” “Well, we’re sort of friends,” Superman said, “but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much.” and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. “Goddamn it!” he thought to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here.”
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. “What the hell was that?” She exclaimed. “I don’t know,” said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, “but my ass hurts like hell!”

Thanks to J&B and JAB

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American Golfer

FROM: stress busters 2006-01-13
AKA a little Irish Catholic golf humour; Dutch Golfer

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked. The golfer explained and the Leprechaun said, “Oh I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so what do you want?”
“God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything. I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize. I really didn’t mean to hit you.” And the golfer walks off.
“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. “But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”
A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
“T’was me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, How’s yer golf game?”
“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. “In fact, that’s the first bad ball I’ve hit in a year! I’m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”
“Oh, I’m fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?”
“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!”
“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?”
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s OK”
“C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?”
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.”
“What?!?!” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all? Only once or twice a week?!”
“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Thanks to J&B and MZ

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Peeping Tom [2007-02-08]

2014 VERSION HERE:

ORIGINAL VERSION: This woman I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment building,
and even though it is a fairly good neighbourhood,
she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door…

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun,
this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she steps out, and stares at her…
She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom,
but he says she must have positive proof before he can do anything…

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her.
click HERE to see it

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* Baked Beans

some of you will have received this individually…

 

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man; he would never go for this carrying on.” She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home, she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she WAS surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday”!!!

Thanks to RM and…

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