Archive for the ‘FLATULENCE’ Category

FROM: ageing men 2005-10-05
With age comes the skill of ‘Multi-Tasking’.
I can:
laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, AND pee

Thanks to PH

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An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the service, she leans over and says to her husband,
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Thanks to HDM and…

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* Fishing Rod

AKA Wal-Mart Clerk

A woman goes into Canadian Tire to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.
She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter. A Canadian Tire associate is standing there wearing dark shades…
She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell who it was.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Thanks to PH and…

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A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song…

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while…

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget…
Sweet old farts like you!

Thanks to J&B and…

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* Sometimes

when you cry…
no one sees your tears.

when you are in pain…
no one sees your hurt.

when you are worried…
no one sees your stress.

when you are happy…
no one sees your smile.

But FART!!
just ONE time…
And everybody knows!!

YOU thought it was going to be one of those

Thanks to SS and…

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FROM: marriage…2002, 2005; AKA Guts

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years when by and he continued to rip them out. Then one sunny morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the chicken innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.”
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Thanks to J&B and PH

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fart in your wetsuit

Thanks to J&B and MZ


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AKA Fart Football; Marriage Games

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replies, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting, he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife stares at him and says, “What the hell was that?
The old man replies, “Half-time, Switch sides.

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