Archive for the ‘golf’ Category

A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match with a friend. After 9 holes, the friend is ahead by a couple of strokes. On the 11th hole, the gentleman has a birdie putt and mumbles to himself, “Boy! I’d give anything to sink this putt.”
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life to make this putt?” Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that, maybe, this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and he sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he is in a position to make an eagle. Again, he mumbles to himself, “Gee, I sure would like to make this eagle.” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and his putt goes right in for the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs a birdie to win the match. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, he hits a great drive, on in 2, sinks the putt for the birdie and the win.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I am Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father Daniels.”


Thanks to J&B and PH


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Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer goes, ‘Whack, Dang!’
A Bad Skydiver goes ‘Dang! Whack.’


Thanks to J&B, PH and…

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Wash Balls Here

Thanks to J&B and…

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sports [2003; 2005]

Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Tiger Woods

Thanks to JFW, J&B, MjD and…

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FROM: golf 2003-10-07
Is There Still Hope for Us; The Secret to Old Age

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”
The old timer said, “I’m a golfer and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Then I have a glass of whiskey and all is well.”
The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?”
The old timer said, “He’s 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that’s why he’s still alive…he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor said, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that.
How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?
Stunned, the doctor said,
‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is HE?’
The old timer said, “He’s 118 yrs old.”
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, “So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
The old timer said, “No…Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he got married.”
At this point, the doctor is close to losing it. “Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”
The old timer said, “Who said he wanted to?”

Thanks to J&B and MZ

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and had sex all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!”

Thanks to JAB and MZ

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FROM: On the River with Men 2006-08-07

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

#10…A below par performance is considered damn good.


#9…You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#8…It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.


#7…Foursomes are encouraged.


#6…You can still make money doing it as a senior.


#5…Three times a day is possible.


#4…Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.


#3…If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.


#2…You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.


And the number one reason why golf is better than sex…
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Thanks to J&B, MZ and PH

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A foursome is waiting on the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 5 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

Thanks to J&B

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AKAAnyone for Golf? Don’t Ever Play Golf with Your Wife;
The Monogrammed Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes…and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.” “I walked over, lifted its tail, and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it…stuck right in the middle of the cow’s bum. And that’s when I made my big mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
Still holding up the cow’s tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours! I don’t remember much after that.”

Thanks to MZ, PH and ??

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.
“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.
“A golf gun?! What’s a golf gun?”
“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

Thanks to J&B, MZ and PH

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