Category: FAVOURITE

Three Words (2002; 2004)

by On the River, posted in FAVOURITE, WOMYN
FROM: Vive le Difference; Between the Sexes; AKA Women’s Humour
an all time favourite; this text sent as e-mail 2014-05-19

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman’s rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft voice. “Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasised, for fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…”
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, calculatorthen reached into her PURSE and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
“Clean…my…house.”

 

Joke thanks to JT, SS and…

Hymn #365 (religion 2008-01-09)

by On the River, posted in FAVOURITE, RELIGION
AKA At The Rivers Edge

 

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then, finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, “For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365,
Shall We Gather On the River.”

See you ON THE RIVER!

 

Thanks to HW and RM

 

* Special Occasions [Thanksgiving 2005]

by On the River, posted in FAVOURITE, KIDstuff

AKA The Good Napkins; Special Napkins

 

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was keeping “napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions” (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months…It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks were leaving to pick up my aunt and uncle for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came my aunt who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!”

 

Thanks to J&B and PH

* Never Argue with a Woman Who Reads [an OLD favourite]

by On the River, posted in BOOKS, FAVOURITE, WOMYN

AKA Gone Fishing!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap before going out again. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies (thinking isn’t that obvious…?)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It’s likely she can also think.

Thanks to J&B, MZ, PH and…