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Archive for the ‘VIVE LE DIFFERENCE’ Category

AKA(Underwear) Dust

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Perhaps it would take a few inches off your bum!”
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself, as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
“Marcy,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied, “It’s not powder…it’s Miracle Grow!”

 

Thanks to PH and…

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales clerk notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own…so does she.

 

Thanks to J&B and…

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and sort it into sectioned laundry hamper according colour group. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown;
if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,
etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth,
long
loofah, wide loofah AND pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut-and-jaffa-cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. (Ooooo)

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. (Ooooo)

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woowoo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and…woo woo!!!

Thanks to J&B and…

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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’
Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’
God replied, ‘An arm and a leg.’
Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’
Of course the rest is history!!!!

Thanks to RM and…

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sent as e-mail 2014-05-18

An English professor wrote the words: ‘WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING’ on the blackboard, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, WITHOUT HER MAN, is nothing.” The women wrote: “WOMAN!! WITHOUT HER, man is nothing!”

Thanks to HW and…

 

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MEN-opause, MEN-strual cramps, MEN-tal breakdown, MEN-tal illness…Notice how all these ‘woman troubles ’start with ‘MEN’?
and when we have REAL trouble,
it’s time for a HIS-terectomy!

Thanks to PH and…

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What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

Thanks to HW and…

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