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Archive for the ‘VIVE LE DIFFERENCE’ Category

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’
Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’
God replied, ‘An arm and a leg.’
Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’
Of course the rest is history!!!!

Thanks to RM and…

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sent as e-mail 2014-05-18

An English professor wrote the words: ‘WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING’ on the blackboard, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, WITHOUT HER MAN, is nothing.” The women wrote: “WOMAN!! WITHOUT HER, man is nothing!”

Thanks to HW and…

 

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MEN-opause, MEN-strual cramps, MEN-tal breakdown, MEN-tal illness…Notice how all these ‘woman troubles ’start with ‘MEN’?
and when we have REAL trouble,
it’s time for a HIS-terectomy!

Thanks to PH and…

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What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

Thanks to HW and…

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AKA Why Men Are Happy; Why Men Are Never Depressed


What do you expect from such simple creatures?

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time!

One wallet, one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Same work, more pay.

The garage is all yours.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

The world is your urinal.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Wedding plans take care of themselves, plus…
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

Wrinkles add character.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You can be Prime Minister.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
ON Christmas Eve IN 25 minutes.

You can open all your own jars.

You can play with toys all your life.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You know stuff about tanks.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is ‘just too icky’.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can never get pregnant.

Your last name stays put.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

No wonder men are happier.

Thanks to J&B and…

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Thanks to SS and…

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The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
”Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree??”
“Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

Thanks to J&B and…

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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river” Poof! He was turned into a woman.

SHE checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you!”

Thanks to PH and…

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Man says to God: ‘God, why did you make woman so beautiful?’
God says: ‘So you would love her.’
But God, ‘the man says, ‘why did you make her so dumb?’
God says: ‘So she would love you.’

 

 

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

 

Thanks to DMS, JFW, J&B, MZ and PH

 

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FROM: religion 2003-08-14;
AKA: Coffee; Who Does What; also seen as a blonde joke

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we wouldn’t ‘t have to wait so long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it’s in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…
“HE-brews!”

Thanks to J&B, LRS, MjD, MjS. MZ and PH

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