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Archive for the ‘stress busters’ Category

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that .Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe…go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo…what ees it?
“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…
Ees…
Ees…
Ees…
Ees…
Eees a Ham Bush!”

 

Thanks to J&B, PH and…
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do ye mean?” said the pirate, “I be fine.”

Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate, “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’ll be fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a saard fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’ll be fine, really.”
Bartender: “Well, then what about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in me eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you lost an eye just from bird poop.”
Pirate: “Well, It was me first day with the hook…”

 

 

Thanks to MapZ and…

 

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Oprah Winfrey interviewed George Burns when he was 97 years old. Oprah asked, “Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.”
George said, “I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.”
Oprah said, “I understand you still do ‘the sex thing’, even at your age.”
George said, “Of course I still do ‘the sex thing’ and I am quite good at it.”
Oprah said, “I have never been with an older man; would you do it with me?”
So they had sex, and when they finished, Oprah said, “I don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.”
George said, “The second time is even better than the first time.”

Oprah said, “You can really do it again at your age?”
George said, “Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.”
When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, “Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time! At your age, Oh-My, Oh-My!!!”
George said that the third time would be even better. “You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up again in thirty minutes.”

Oprah said, “Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?”
George said, “No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

Thanks to SS and…

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A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.”
I went over. Nobody WAS home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.
That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

 

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on,
I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying
I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

 

I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.

 

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

 

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy,
I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray AFTER the meal.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
she called me from Chicago last night.

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, “Why?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”

 

 

Thanks to MZ and���

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Pole Dancer

GOTTCHA!! Doesn’t she have the sweetest little face?

May you always have enough humour in your life!

Thanks to HW and…

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Today, I woke up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast, I slipped on the stairs and got a big whack on my head.
To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too damn hot.
I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that threw me on my ass.
The telephone rang, it was the police telling me that last night my car was stolen and totalled in a car crash.
I decided this was the right time to take a nice hot shower and meditate to bring down my stress level and help me to relax. That’s when it happened…click here

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AKA Diamond Bracelet; also seen in a Lexus verision…

A woman walks into a high-class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to sh*t when I tell you the price.”

Thanks to PH, RM and…

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