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Archive for May, 2009

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Vince came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Vince.”

Thanks to LST and PH

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Math [ADDITION]

FROM: 2002-02-20 & Cute Kids 2004-09-06;
Innocence has no bounds; Why We Love Children

A little boy was doing his math homework.  He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine…”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

Thanks to MZ, RR, SS and PH

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Thanks to JAB, D&V and JT

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AKA Monastery of Silence; Sister Mary Katherine

 

Sister Lucia Marie entered a convent.The Priest said, “Sister, this is a silent nunnery.You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Sister Lucia Marie lived in the Convent for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Lucia Marie, you have been here for 5 years.You may speak two words.”

Sister Lucia Marie said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, the Priest again called Sister Lucia Marie.”You have now been here ten years.You may say another two words, Sister Lucia Marie.
“Cold food,” said Sister Lucia Marie, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the Convent, the Priest once again called Sister Lucia Marie into his office.”Sister Lucia Marie, you have now been here for fifteen years.You may say two more words today.”
“I quit,” said Sister Lucia Marie.
“It’s probably best,” said the Priest, “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

 

Thanks to the Zuprano family, J&B and PH

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No Trespassing

Sign on the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION
Text thanks to J&B;
Illustration thanks to D&V, PH and J&B

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AKA Apples and Wine
 

 

WOMEN are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy…The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

 

 

Now MEN…men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this with other women who are good apples,
even those who have already been picked!
 
Thanks to PH, J&B and SS; ‘grapes’ also thanks to JAB, D&V and MZ

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Hunter

moved HERE

 

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