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Archive for April, 2009

Baby Photographer

FROM: Happy Father’s Day 2004-06-20 and…
AKA Making a Baby; this content sent by e-mail 2014-06-07

The Browns were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Brown kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now, the man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Brown cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat” After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Vince and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Brown.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Brown quietly.

man c portfolio

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my G o d!” Mrs. Brown exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Brown.
“Yes, I’m afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Brown, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Brown leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work ri ght away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs. Brown fainted.

 

Thanks to J&B and…
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FROM: stress busters 2006-01-13
AKA a little Irish Catholic golf humour; Dutch Golfer

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked. The golfer explained and the Leprechaun said, “Oh I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so what do you want?”
“God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything. I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize. I really didn’t mean to hit you.” And the golfer walks off.
“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. “But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”
A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
“T’was me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, How’s yer golf game?”
“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. “In fact, that’s the first bad ball I’ve hit in a year! I’m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”
“Oh, I’m fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?”
“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!”
“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?”
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s OK”
“C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?”
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.”
“What?!?!” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all? Only once or twice a week?!”
“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Thanks to J&B and MZ

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FROM: Vive le Difference; Between the Sexes; AKA Women’s Humour
an all time favourite; this text sent as e-mail 2014-05-19

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman’s rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered in a deep, soft voice. “Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasised, for fifty dollars. There’s just one condition…”
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, calculatorthen reached into her PURSE and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear…
“Clean…my…house.”

 

Joke thanks to JT, SS and…

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A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was “too crowded.”
“I can’t go to Sunday School,” she sobbed to the minister as he walked by.
Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the minister guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus
Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kind-hearted minister who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.
As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.
Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: “This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School.”
For two years she had saved for this offering of love
When the minister tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red purse to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion
He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.
But the story does not end there…
A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands.
When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents.
Church members made large donations. Cheques came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl’s gift had increased to $250,000.00–a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.
When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University, where thousands of students are educated.
Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time.
In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind minister, Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, “
Acres of Diamonds“.

 

Thanks to SmS and…This is…NOT a true story

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AKA Canadian Genie Joke

 

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in NYC. One notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum.
If you do not mind me saying,” stated the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”
I regret I cannot,” lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my bum.”
“I do not understand,” said the other.
The first terrorist says, “I was walking in Times Square and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in American flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out.
He said, “I am Captain America, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”
I said, “No sh*t?”

 

Thanks to D&V, J&B and SS

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that?” Says the bartender.
The man responds by again reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So, the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish,” she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it’s actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:
“I want a million bucks.”
So, the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke.
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.” “I know,” says the man “do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Thanks to MZ and J&B

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2014 VERSION HERE:

ORIGINAL VERSION: This woman I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment building,
and even though it is a fairly good neighbourhood,
she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door…

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun,
this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she steps out, and stares at her…
She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom,
but he says she must have positive proof before he can do anything…

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her.
click HERE to see it

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