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Archive for July, 2008

AKA Oh, Dem Golden Slippers

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked HIM if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work out? Are we stuck in Heaven together FOREVER?”
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You CAN get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering: what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Thanks to PH and…

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moved HERE

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Vince the Hen

Vince came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Vince, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter.”
Vince was stunned. “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family…you’ve got to send me back straight away.”
St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Vince was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad,” replies Vince, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” replies Vince.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…
“Vince, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve sh*t the bed!!”

 

Thanks to PH and…

 

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