Archive for November, 2007
Sent as e-mail Sun 2014-05-18 3:59 AM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!”
I am the friggin’ Happiness Fairy.
I’ve sprinkled happy dust on you,
so – smile, dammit!
This sh*t is expensive!
when you cry…
no one sees your tears.
when you are in pain…
no one sees your hurt.
when you are worried…
no one sees your stress.
when you are happy…
no one sees your smile.
just ONE time…
And everybody knows!!
YOU thought it was going to be one of those
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Pickering. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy me a drink??”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed “Give the ballerina a drink!!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked “What man here will buy a lady a drink??”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “Tell me, Cec, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina??”
The drunk replied, “Any woman that can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!!!!
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice…”Just for a moment, think outside yourself…outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A loud Newfie voice from near the front pierces the moment…”Well, Lard t’underin’ jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin’ clappin’ then!”