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Archive for September, 2007

Winnipeg Airport

FROM: travel – airline employees 2005-09-30

A crowded Air Canada flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said. “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you but, I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Air Canada agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*ck You!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that too!”

Thanks to J&B and RGs

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FROM: Quiz Me 2004-09-30
also seen in: Frustrate Smart People; Test for Dementia

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is completed.
Next, a blind man comes in. He wants to buy a pair of sunglasses. How does HE indicate what he wants?
Think about it first…THEN click here.

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…he just has to open his mouth and ASK!

It’s really very simple…like you!
If you got this wrong – please pack up your things,
turn off your computer and call it a day.
I’ve got mine shutting down right now…
You know you missed it too,
so shut down your computer and leave quietly.

Thanks to D&V, JT, J&B, MZ and PH

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* Gas Prices

from…news 2005-09-29

A Kenora man pulled into a full service gas station today
and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The attendant farted, took the five, and walked away.

Thanks to J&B, PH and RM

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FROM: religion 2003-08-14;
AKA: Coffee; Who Does What; also seen as a blonde joke

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we wouldn’t ‘t have to wait so long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it’s in the Bible that the man should make the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says…
“HE-brews!”

Thanks to J&B, LRS, MjD, MjS. MZ and PH

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* The Brick

FROM: the other side 2005-08-19

A successful young executive was travelling down a neighbourhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag’s side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, “What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That’s a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?”
The young boy was apologetic. “Please, mister…please, I’m sorry but I didn’t know what else to do,” He pleaded. “I threw the brick because no one else would stop…” With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. “It’s my brother, “he said.” He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.”
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, “Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.”
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts, A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. “Thank you and May God bless you,” the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: “Don’t go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!”

The gods whisper in our souls and speak to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don’t have time to listen,
they have to throw a brick at us. It’s our choice to listen or not.

Thanks to PC and PH

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FROM: o those poor blondes… 2003; more air travel 2005;
AKA First Class Blonde; Houston or Not

 

A plane is on its way to Vancouver when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Vancouver and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Vancouver and I’m staying right here!”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? Okay, I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I KNOW how to speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear. She says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I just told her First Class isn’t going to Vancouver.”

 

Thanks to J&B and MZ

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