joe & the ‘HO’
Archive for August, 2007
What’s the fastest thing you know of?
Given the task of filling a job opening, a manager sorted through a stack of resumes and selected four equally qualified individuals.He decided to base his decision by asking them each the same question; the one with the best answer would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer pointed to the man on his right and asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”
The man replied, “A THOUGHT.It just pops into your head.There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there.A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now, you, sir?” directing his glance to the second man.
“Hmm…let me see.A BLINK!” said the second man.It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed.”
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
“Well, out at my dad’s farm, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.”
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, the interviewer posed the question one last time.
The Newfie replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known to man is DIARRHOEA.”
“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
“Oh I can explain,” said Newfie. You see the other day I wasn’t feeling good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I sh*t my pants!”
He got the job!
got to love Newfoundlanders!!!
Thanks to J&B, MZ and RM
Are We Communicating??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
Did I Say That???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just wouldn’t control himself during a line-up.When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
What Was Plan B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
With A Little Help From Our Friends:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”
The Grand Finale (I love this one!!!)
Last summer, on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-foot boat going.It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.A thorough top-sidecheck revealed everything in perfect working condition.The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Does any one else find it frightening
that the majority of these took place in California??
AKA I Love My Job
Next time you have a bad day at work…think of this guy.
Andy is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.Following is an E-mail he sent to his sister.She then sent it to a radio station that was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.Needless to say, she won.
Hi Lisa, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office.I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.I wear a suit to the office.It’s a wetsuit.This time of year the water is quite cool.So, what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.It heats it to a delightful temperature.It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.This floods my whole suit with warm water.It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.So, of course, I scratched it.This only made things worse.Within a few seconds, my bum started to burn; I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.In agony, I realized what had happened.The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it.However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically.Needless to say, I aborted the dive.I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
So, next time YOU’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.Now repeat to yourself,
“I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Thanks to PH
FROM the other side 2004-04-03
AKA Sisters; Women; This Says it All;
To All My Treasured Girlfriends; Who Needs Girlfriends?
this link sent 2014-04-19
I sat under a maple tree in Ottawa on a summer day, drinking iced tea and visiting with my mother.As we talked about marriage, the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, Mom clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon me.
“Don’t forget your girlfriends,” she advised,.“They’ll be more important as you get older.No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need girlfriends.Remember to go places with them now and then; and do things with them, even when you don’t necessarily want to.And remember that ‘girlfriends’ are not only your FRIENDS, but all your women RELATIVES too.
You’ll need other women.Women always do.Women supporting and relating to other women is our responsibility and our gift.”
“What a funny piece of advice,” I thought.”Hadn’t I just gotten married?Hadn’t I just joined the world of couples?I was now a married woman, for goodness sake.A grown-up, not some young girl who needed friends!”Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!
But I listened to my Mom.I kept in contact with my girlfriends and even found some new ones along the way.
As the years tumbled by, one after another, I gradually came to understand that Mom really knew what she was talking about!
Here is what I know:
Girlfriends bring casseroles and
scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask,
sometimes you take it and sometimes you don’t.
Girlfriends don’t always tell you you’re right,
but they usually tell the truth.
Girlfriends still love you,
even when they disagree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you
and don’t need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends don’t keep a calendar of who hosted the other’s last big party.
Girlfriends will celebrate for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby,
in whichever order that happens.
Girlfriends are there for you in an instant,
and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents’ minds and bodies fail.
As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.
Children grow up.
Colleagues forget favours.
Jobs come and go.Careers end.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don’t call when they say they will or don’t do what they’re supposed to do.
BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
My aunts, cousins, daughters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters, grandmothers, mother, mother-in-law, nieces, sisters, sisters-in-law and friends ALL bless my life!The world wouldn’t be the same without them, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure, called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other…
Every day, we need each other still.
Pass this on to the women who help make your life meaningful;
who make your life work.I just did.
Thanks to hDM, DMS, JAB, JT and PH
I went to a party,
And remembered what you said
You told me not to drink, Mom
So, I had a Sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn’t drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Something I expected least.
Now I’m lying on the pavement,
And I hear the constable say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood’s all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.
I’m sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid,
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Mommy’s Girl on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That it’s wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if HIS parents had,
I’d still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
I’m getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I’m so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say
I love you and good-bye.