Archive for July, 2007

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says, that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old.”
The husband said, “What did he say about your 55 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

(Men…they just never know when to shut up do they??)

Thanks to J&B, MZ and PH


Read Full Post »

Frost forms INSIDE of the window, not the outside.
Therefore, Mr. Fiend could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy’s body

Read Full Post »

He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Read Full Post »

It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no mail delivery on Sunday.

Read Full Post »

Two prostitutes were driving around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”
One of the women asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop THEM?!”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following night found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two women driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

Thanks to J&B

Read Full Post »

AKA Chicken Farmer

Laurel walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social insurance number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
Laurel says, “OK, I’m a hooker.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then Laurel says,
Okay! I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Good enough! Chicken Farmer it is!”

Thanks to J&B and PH

Read Full Post »

AKA Gonzales and Al-Gebra; NY Airport;
Teacher Arrested at Airport
; Weapons of Math Instruction

In the absence of Weapons of Mass Destruction

NEW YORK – An individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport. The man attempted to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a multi-function calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra continues to be a problem for us, and is a very fearsome cult, indeed,”” the Attorney General said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y,’ and, although they frequently refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, we have determined that they actually belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer, Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Thanks to J&B, MZ and PC (via U of Alberta)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »