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Archive for June, 2007

AKA Having A Baby at 65!

Romanian woman gives birth at 66
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 66-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when CAN we see the baby?”
“When he cries!” she told them.
“When he cries??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??”
“Because…I forgot where I put him!!”

Thanks to J&B and MZ

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AKA Practical Doctor

A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was in agony, and already starting to blister.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, asks, “What good will Viagra do for him now?”
The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

Thanks to J&B and MapZ

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moved HERE

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http://members.shaw.ca/ngmckay/boobs-hang-low.htm

Thanks to JAB and PH

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WAS the Priest & the Politician; text sent as e-mail 2014-05-16

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local Conservative politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the Conservative. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

 

Thanks to J&B and PH

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This link sent 2014-02-08

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t brew the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So
I turned around and smacked him…
Just like his Mother used to do!

Thanks to CS, LRS, MapZ, PH and SmS

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Father’s Day 2003; this text sent as e-mail 2014-01-27

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.They were ready to discuss the last one.The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.Joy raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour’s wife.”

 

 

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Nadine, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

 

Six-year-old Dawn and her four-year-old brother Stephen were sitting together in church. Stephen giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Stephen asked.
Dawn pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers
.”

 

Thanks to MapZ

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