Archive for April, 2007

AKA How Chapstick was Invented

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. “Howdy, stranger…”
“Howdy, Sheriff…”The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
“Hold on there, Mister,” said the Sheriff. “Did I just see what I think I saw?”
“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”
“And does that cure them?” the Sheriff asked.
“Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

Thanks to J&B


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AKA The Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Much to her chagrin, she still could not raise her leg. With another smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more but was still unable to take the step. About this time, a tall man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The man smiled and replied, “Well, miss, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I sort of figured we were friends.”

Thanks to PH

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AKA Bubba Had Shingles

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One chap walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
So, she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
So, she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later, a nurse practitioner came in and asked him what he had.
He said “Shingles.” So, she took his blood pressure, drew some blood, performed an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you me to unload ’em??”

Thanks to J&B, MjS and SS

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(10-16 points) You are GARFIELD:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn’t mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are SNOOPY:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what’s in and you are never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once, but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are ELMO:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS:

You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey; it’s funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are CHARLIE BROWN:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few birthdays. Don’t let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are DEXTER:

You are smart and definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

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Shattered Vows
i found this in an old Psychology Today magazine first
more from Ms. Glass

Affair Profiler

Top 10 Signs of Infidelity by Anne Bercht

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In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter…
place it at the end of the word…
and then spell the word backwards…
it will be the same word.
Did you figure it out? Most people do not.

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AKA Assertiveness, Man Of The House;
On Humility; Thinking Man

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist advised that he needed to assert himself in order to build his self-esteem. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!” The psychiatrist also gave him a book on assertiveness, which he finished by the time he reached his house.
He slammed the door, stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. First pointing a finger in her face, then shaking his fist, he growled, “”From now on, I want you to know that ‘I’ am the man of this house. You’re taking orders from me! My word is law! I’m going out with the guys tonight,
and YOU are going to stay at home where you belong!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal right now
AND when you get it on the table, go upstairs
AND draw me a bath so I can relax.
AND, while I’m in the bath, lay out my best clothes.
AND, guess who’s going to give me a shave, comb my hair, dress me and tie my necktie…

“The f*cking funeral director,” replied his wife.

Thanks to D&V, J&B, JFW, MJD and SS;
visual representation c/o PH and HW

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