Archive for March, 2007

AKA Cremated Husband


Denise recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Stephen, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Stephen, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Stephen, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Stephen, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes…”

Thanks to J&B and SS

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AKA Don’t You Just Love Old People (farmer version);
The Biker; Where There is a Will, There is a Way

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady!I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Thanks to JFW, J&B, PH and SS

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AKA Engineers

Stephen and Peter were standing at the base of the RE-gressive Conservative Party flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Stephen, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The blonde took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Peter shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”

Thanks to DM and…

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AKA Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know where he lives, he cuts a photo in half – but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style…
it makes your nose look short.
Love Grandma

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AKA Fart Football; Marriage Games

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replies, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting, he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife stares at him and says, “What the hell was that?
The old man replies, “Half-time, Switch sides.

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AKA At The Gorilla Enclosure; Going Ape; Tease

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and two lovers are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a tiny sundress with spaghetti straps; he’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy.
As they walk through the simian exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with the other. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman.
The man, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that the woman tease the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the man suggests that she pull the straps down to show a little more skin and cleavage. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars off his cage.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.
With that, the man grabs his lover, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you’ve got a f*cking headache.”

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  • Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
  • Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
  • Accidental deaths per physician…. 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
  • Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
  • Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
  • Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health measure, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention…

Thanks to MjD and MZ

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